:(

I hate it when you think people are mad at you but you don't know for sure I really just want to go to college right now. Where no one knows me, where I don't have to worry about severing ties where they aren't even made yet. Urghhh! College. New People. New friends. New love interests. Needs to happen NOW! I can't wait and stick around here with people hating me or even my best friends acting hot 'n cold around me one day their cool with me the next not texting/talking to me. URGH petty problems these are petty problems. But seriously my generation of teenagers relies so much on this crap! Its crazy theres got to be more to life than these hot n' cold relationships that or my mouth majorly needs to be duck taped shut I guess lol...anyways its just annoying and i'm fed up with it. I don't just want I NEED new people in my life now ASAP. Please pray for me I find friends in Iowa and that the ones mad at me now don't stay mad for long. :( thats all for now. Now i'm tired and going to read my book ("Going Bovine") until I fall asleep. night.

Emptiness sucks

So. Wow. A lot a lot has happened since I last posted on this lovely little blog 'o thoughts. (Hence the title Emptiness sucks)
Sorry but just to warn you yes this post is going to be all about my lost love (JP) and how I'm so effing jealous of KJVA's power to get men even 2 at once! Don't Worry JUST KIDDING!!! That would be mean if I delved? Dove? into the juicy details of those 2 situations and the first one-aka my break up I don't want to re-explain in full blown detail its bad enough I did it in a 6 page letter in my song notebook and wrote a frickin good deep song out of it too!

So instead I'm going to make this a more general ranting post about why love sucks and how it hurts and sucks feeling empty, lonely and being called desperate just because you want to find your own damn happiness!!!! URGH!

Now although I titled this "emptiness sucks", I just want it to be known that my entire life isn't totally empty of course.
I have my wonderful loving grandma judy and grandpa morley and two great bffs Ashely and Mallika who love me unconditionally and help me to realize my value as a person daily :) But of course since life can't be perfect and "you can't always get what you want" I am here complaining about not have finding that missing piece of me. That piece that will hopefully replace that emptiness that was caused by aw hell i'm just gonna use their real names, the emptiness caused by losing Meg Ray as a friend and Jake as a boyfriend.

Heres my problem though I'm starting to come off as desperate and thats not good. Not good when I'm trying to make new friends and potential boyfriends. I really don't try to intentionally be or act desperate around people. But- I'm not gonna lie I'm a performer and I crave attention and love and acceptance from people. ok ok so I know you don't have to be a performer to crave attention and love from others but I feel like as someone who loves to be the center of attention and loves the spotlight and applause and acceptance I feel now going into college in less than a month that popularity and a boyfriend will make me happy.

Of course I know thats the wrong answer and that you can never find happiness with other people until you find it within yourself. Well you know what I say to that? Fuck that shit! I'm a super self conscious person with low self esteem a very nasty habit of constantly putting myself down all the time and criticizing myself and others in the process. And you know what? I'm sorry world but that is just never gonna change, and I "Love myself" as much as I possibly can for having such shitty low self esteem that my thought process is why can't I just fall in love anyways. right now just the way I am. Because its certainly not gonna get any better...worse maybe...hopefully not but so ya why can't I just fall in love now?! What's wrong with me?!! I have nice outgoing personality and I'm not the ugliest person yet a constant lack of acceptance by peers and hot boys I have crushes on makes me just feel like shit man is love real? Real for me at least? like can and will it ever happen to me?

Well right now sorry but I have a pretty bleak outlook. Not on life necessarily but on making good (non partying yet non nerdy friends) at college and of course finding love a guy a good guy who starts off as a good friend and progresses to something more whose actually genuinely interested in me- not my roomates, not my shoes or borrowing my arctic monkeys cd but ME!

Is it bad I'm craving this much attention? Whats wrong with me? I feel like anyone reading this will go wow what an attention whore but thats not who I am or want to be I just want to be moderately popular with a moderately attractive boyfriend to be happy in college and life...? UGH it is bad I guess but like I said before I just don't see how my current level of low self esteem and happiness is ever gonna change besides how the heck do you go about finding happiness within and how do you effing know when your happy enough with yourself to love someone else?!!! God why does this have to be so hard and psychoanalytical? urghhhh

Anyways I feel fairly happy and content and want bf but apparently that makes me come of as desperate. So I don't know I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore.

wish me luck in college I'm so scared I'll screw up social-wise and loose friends before i've even met them and never get the guys I like to look at me. My biggest fear is my books and professors will become my best friends that or I'll be trying so hard to fit in and be popular that i'll come off as a drunk partying whore :( something in between would be nice.

But life is crazy and unpredictable sadly. So for now I'm just going to have to try my best to not be so desperate and empty feeling and complain about it out loud to people so much I guess, and hope that with college comes new people and things to fill the silly giant void I'm feeling in my heart. Sappy and corny I know but you know when somethings missing and your getting jealous of everyone around you in love which is wrong-I know I know but other than being jealous being sappy and believing in love and wishing someone might be out theres not so bad right? Probably a little overly optimistic yes but I guess its better than being too overly pessimistic and wallowing in a giant pool of self pity like I am right now. Which needs to stop I know which I want to stop. But if only I knew how to find that damn happiness inside on my own to make this self pity and emptiness go away!!!!!! But until then...emptiness still sucks. :(

Ketchup time!

hi again so sorry but it's "ketchup" kinda post...

Whats up in my life:

-MAR still hates me
-MJ mad at me
-AS not mad at me anymore
-JP gonna see Thursday and Friday night @ SUMMERFEST!!!!!!-if I can get a responsible adult to drive me and pick me up there, I sure hope so cuz seeing each other 2 days in a row even though he'd working would still be awesome and a big step up a big FIRST for us! lol :)
-New job= good
-VBS= good but stressful!

Life overall= average....wish I could fix things with MJ....things with MAR are sadly unfixable at this point I think but not with MJ....I don't know


Also just got an idea to road trip to strawberry fields in NYC with Maggie Schultz before we both go off to college expensive as hell tho....hmmm maybe Lollapolooza in August in Chicago? But thats really expensive and probably sold out too I don't know but I feel the urge to road trip with someone sensible whose never hated me! :)

And I'm going to bed now cuz no ones answering their phone or texts

or as Austin Powers always says: "and I'm spent" ;)

talk to you again soon! ;)

I'm someone's brother's gal ;) yay! :)

Allie Pinkalla (Jacob's sister to her friend Oliva on fb):

Allie: why are you friends with my brothers gal (THAT's ME!!!! I'M SOMEONES GAL :D) on fb? ur weird

Olivia: because I'm friends with everyone and their mother on facebook literately haha :)

Sorry I know that's not that exciting but still the fact that she was referencing her brother Jacobs girlfriend and thats ME!!!!! and the fact that I'm someones gal- specifically HIS GAL!!!!! just made me smile :) and laugh and made me happy to see that in writing on someones facebook wall lol :) its the little things that cheer me up! Literately! lol :D

*SUNG*: "I'm Forever Yours Faithfully"

"Faithfully" by: Journey <3

I'm still yours Jake even though we don't see each other that much and we tease each other a lot, and I can't wait for school to get out out finally and to graduate and come surprise you on your birthday by coming to visit you in Shorewood! ;)

No, no regardless of what Lauren and others....are telling me I think were in decent shape Jake-especially for living so far apart and both of us not having our licenses and you not liking to talk on the phone lol...anyways as Rachel sang to Finn in the season finale of glee as corny as this sounds "I am forever yours faithfully" no matter how much I may waver on my weakest days or lowest, angriest days, or no matter how much or how many people will try to persuade me, that breaking up with you is best....I don't care what they say cause I know that your a good guy at heart and your a good guy to me and a good guy for me in my life right now!!!!

So....heres to looking forward to spending the summer together and having lots of good memories! (and I really hope that I don't regret typing that last part about spending the summer with you Jake especially after what happened last summer with hickboy... :(

PLO

Peace!

LOVE!!!

Obey!

;)

GLEE Version of Lady Gaga's "POKER FACE"

LISTEN TO IT!

I'M OBSESSED WITH IT

I LOVE THIS SONG

I LOVE THE TWO PEOPLE SINGING IT

I WISH I WAS RACHEL BERRY IS WHAT IT BASICALLY BOILS DOWN TO LOL ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zq4o-FlKbo

Feeling a void I shouldn't care about...?

I feel a void a bad, sad void for some select individuals who are no longer in my life kinda.... :(

not just from my best friend not being friends with me anymore....

but also my ex bf isn't really friends with me at all anymore and always ignores me on facebook even though I've always been really nice and nothing but concerned about him with all his ongoing school/family issues...it just kinda hurts cuz he hurt me and for me to still be so nice to him and for him to cut me off....? Harsh. I think...especially for him hes not a harsh mean person...

It's weird with him we kinda go in shifts... some days he'll talk to me a lot a little, and somedays like today not at all. I try to be friendly and initiate a conversation only to be ignored

Just like my old bff i'm pretty sure would do if I tried to contact her today too....

and idk why I let them or the lack of them being friends with me and being in my life bother me so much and get me so down so much but it does... some days more than others but nonetheless it really does get me down.... really it does. And its not fun. :(

general thoughts on what it means to be an average, normal good girlfriend

What makes or breaks a girl as a good girlfriend or just an annoying over-obsessive girlfriend???

I've been wondering that question ever since I started liking boys in 5th or 6th grade and to be completely and 100% honestly truthful. I still don't know at age 18, with only my 2nd boyfriend EVER. (yes I know I'm lame and pathetic for only having 2 bf's by age 18 sorry I'm just not an attractive catch I guess...)

But anyways one thing I always wonder, that always bothers me and has bothered me wayyyy back in my days of being single but having lots of crushes all the way thru high school up to now where i am happily on bf number two only is what makes a good gf or not? when is a girl acting normal and when is she just acting overly paranoid and completely obsessive about her bf?

First off lets say he lives far away from you and you both can't drive for various reasons...(as in my case is) is so wrong of me to want to try to hang out with him as much as possible on the weekends and optimistically think that maybe one of these weekends he may finally be free? And that if he is magically free that he'll want to hang out with me?

And is it so wrong of me to get a little annoyed when he tends to choose the convenience of hanging out with his guy friends who live closer and can drive him places than his "causal long distance gf"? UGH

IDK maybe I am turning into one of those overly paranoid and completely-obsessed girlfriends who just wants all his attention all the time, and expects too much OR WORSE maybe I've been like that all along since 5th grade since I had my very first crush and my heartbroken for the first time....

IDK I just don't know what to think anymore all I know is that obviously for each girl and guy and for every different relationship on this vast planet of people making up and breaking up daily that for each person their definition of what they look for in a partner and expect of from a partner in a healthy 2 way relationship ifs obviously going to differ.

But is it wrong to just want to spend more time with your significant other?

And is it a bad sign when they seem to not really care to spend as much time with you back? Even when they live so far away from you?

And is it wrong of me to get so easily frustrated when plans fall through or said boy does things with his friends instead of me on friday or saturday nights while I'm at home bored doing hw or watching lifetime with my mom? :(

Anyways just a few thoughts I had anyone feel free to comment and give me your input or advice. Cuz obviously I don't know much about relationships only having had 2 boyfriends in my life so far...so any comments or thoughts (negative or positive) I think would be good for me to hear and I'd appreciate. Thanks!

Though I just realized that for that to happen now I actually need to get people to start following my blog....oh well w/e I know at least one friend who will lol ;)

Frustration!

UGH I hate boys and I hate my mother right now.

period.

Details to come later.

:P

"Boys Boys Boys"

By: LADY GAGA

Hey there sugar baby
Saw you twice at the pop show
You taste just like glitter mixed with rock and roll
I like you a lot lot
Think you're really hot hot

I know you think you're special
When we dance real crazy
Glam-aphonic, electronic, disco baby
I like you a lot lot
All we want is hot hot

[Chorus:]
Boys boys boys
We like boys in cars
Boys boys boys
Buy us drinks in bars
Boys boys boys
With hairspray and denim
Boys boys boys
We love them!

Oh, oh

Baby is a bad boy
With some retro sneakers
Let's go see The Killers
And make out in the bleachers
I like you a lot lot
Think you're really hot hot
Let's go to the party
Heard our buddy's the DJ
Don't forget my lipstick
I left it in your ashtray
I like you a lot lot
All we want is hot hot

[Chorus]

I'm not loose, I like to party
Let's get lost in your Ferrari
Not psychotic or dramatic
I like boys and that is that
Love it when you call me legs
In the morning buy me eggs
Watch your heart when we're together
Boys like you love me forever

Oh, oh, oh, oh

[Chorus x2]

We love them!

[Chorus]

(We love them!)

"Lie to Me" Lyrics by: Charlie M. that I'm probably going to use as lyrics for my AP Music Theory song project! :)

Wonderful, lyrics that my friend Charlie from Drama Club posted on my facebook status asking for help finding or writing sad, depressing lyrics for my AP Music Theory project

....which is a sad depressing piece, I purposely wrote in the dark, minor key of A minor, because I wrote it about someone close to me who no longer is :(

Anyways....these are the lyrics to a song or poem I guess that Charlie wrote and said I could use,or put to the music I already have written for my song! :) I read them and my face lit up, although they are really sad, depressing lyrics they fit my song and the sentiment behind it perfectly!

So hopefully I can successfully put these lyrics to the music I already have and Monday morning I can walk into the choir room confidently ready to record this sucker and finally finish this dang project already! Especially since its for my semester exam grade in that class!!!!

The Lyrics:

Lie to Me

I’m starting to find that I’m not the same person without you

Slowly I change into the person I’ve grown up to hate

When I realize that I’m different than what you wanted

I think back and I know

That somewhere I have fallen



Chorus

So why can’t I just get

Over this

And how did I go this far down

But now I found that you

Started this

I guess I was wrong

For blaming myself

I guess it was you

All along



Continually I gave up on changing my bad ways

Evidently I’ve noticed that we were broken

I’ve tried my hardest to make sure that I won’t destroy myself

But I just realized

It doesn’t even matter



Chorus



So

Tell me that you were

Happy with me

Lie once again to my

Insufficient face

Pretend that we were still

Friends I know

That would hurt too much

But I don’t care



Chorus (x2)

(Over this)

(So far down)

(It was you all along)

(All along)

I guess it was you, all along (all along)

Well now it’s just you

My first post/current thoughts on my life right now

Hello everyone on blogspot!

I'm here because a good friend, who also started blogging suggested that me (a very loud, big mouthed person) start using this blog as a means of venting and expressing my feelings..whatever they may be about things going on in my life so as to prevent me from saying "stuff" with my big loud mouth out loud at school...so here I am... ready to blog away about my pathetic, really not all that bad life, which I usually make WAY more stressful than I need to!

My current thoughts on stuff stressing me out right now in my life:

SCHOOL-

AHHHHH!!! Ahahah OMG where to begin?

Well I guess I'll start with the fact that as of friday I was failing 3 classes now I'm only failing 2 but still thats bad! First off I've never been a bad student or a slacker EVER in school but as a senior I have caught senioritis bad and suddenly have started slacking for the first time ever...and am discovering the repercussions....also second- I'M A SENIOR! Which means I need to start passing or at least get a C or D in the classes I currently have F's in, in order to pass high school and graduate and so that my college (Luther College) doesn't revoke my admission!!! AHHHH YA...stressful? YOU HAVE NO IDEA! This has become kinda like a "life or death" situation to me and not being able to graduate and go to Luther college is the painful "death" that I am desperately trying to avoid at all costs by trying to get my grades up in these last 2 weeks of school! AHHH!!!!

FRIENDS/BF-

Everything is good with my friends for the most part, except for my one really good friend (who use to be my bff) whose been mad at me for a couple of months now...it breaks my heart and tears me up inside and every time she hang out and does fun stuff that we use to do together with other friends...but I just gotta learn to suck it up I guess...I do plan on trying to talk to her or write her a letter spilling out my inner utmost thoughts and emotions about the whole debacle but just not right now its gonna have to wait till June 13th (the day I graduate) cause as of right now graduating high school is just a tad higher on my priorities list right now! And as for the bf well he's good I guess him and I are cool...we had an AMAZING time at prom so much fun!!!! I just wish he lived closer and that I could see him more....also it would help if maybe he could drive too...oh well

SUMMER VACATION-

AHHH! Summer vacation normally I'm super excited to stay busy during the summer with my school's Summer Academy Summer Musical but this summer I'm not doing the musical...and I tried out for a summer community theater show too but don't know if I'll be able to do either which may mean no theater and or being in a show for me at all this summer! Which would kill me inside I need to perform! But then there is also the issue of weather or not I'm going to finally ever get a job this summer to shut my parents up about that...and to make money for college, and if a lot of my time is going to be consumed with taking Algebra II over again for a 2nd time online thru my school....and then there is the issue of traveling and actual family vacations...apparently were going to Orlando Florida sometime in mid-july so that I can go the the Harry Potter theme park thats opening up there...but I feel like that honestly can't be the only reason were going there...also theres the issue of traveling abroad my grandpa really wants to send me and my grandma alone together to Paris, France for a week over summer vacation as a graduation gift for me....but then I also wanted to ask my dad about either going to Nashville with him to see a Taylor Swift concert, or going to NYC to see a Lady Gaga concert at Madison Square Garden, since when she is coming to Milwaukee and ON MY BIRTHDAY NO LESS!!! I'll be away at college already!!!!! GRRR!!! So I don't know whats gonna happen but I know I won't be able to go everywhere and that I'll HAVE to go to FL with my parents and brother cuz my dads paying for it and stuff...but the other fantasy trip ideas idk we'll see....cross you fingers for me! lol ;)

COLLEGE-

AHHH OMG COLLEGE! I'M GOING TO EFFING COLLEGE!!!!! Who would've thought I'd make it that far? lol just kidding just kidding though I'm not there yet! Theres still 2 weeks of high school left and i'm still failing 2 classes, one thats mandatory to graduate the other thats not but that Luther College may revoke my admission to go to school their over because its a class they like incoming freshman to already have under their belt...its Algebra II and thats why I'm already planning on signing up to RE-take it online thru summer school over the summer because I do not want to put my college education in any jeopardy whatsoever! But I seriously am freaking out about this also dad forced me to choose the June 15th class registration date for Luther, so that means assuming I pass and graduate 2 days after my high school graduation yes you heard right 2 days after my high school graduation I will be going to my future college campus for registration and orientation!!! AHHH OMG! SO EXCITING!!! but only-ONLY IF I GRADUATE FROM KM!!!! AHHHH UGHH FML Please please please weather you believe in god or a higher being or not pray for me to stay focused on my studies these next to weeks and pass so that I can go to my dream college next fall please! PRAY! HARD!