Emptiness sucks

So. Wow. A lot a lot has happened since I last posted on this lovely little blog 'o thoughts. (Hence the title Emptiness sucks)
Sorry but just to warn you yes this post is going to be all about my lost love (JP) and how I'm so effing jealous of KJVA's power to get men even 2 at once! Don't Worry JUST KIDDING!!! That would be mean if I delved? Dove? into the juicy details of those 2 situations and the first one-aka my break up I don't want to re-explain in full blown detail its bad enough I did it in a 6 page letter in my song notebook and wrote a frickin good deep song out of it too!

So instead I'm going to make this a more general ranting post about why love sucks and how it hurts and sucks feeling empty, lonely and being called desperate just because you want to find your own damn happiness!!!! URGH!

Now although I titled this "emptiness sucks", I just want it to be known that my entire life isn't totally empty of course.
I have my wonderful loving grandma judy and grandpa morley and two great bffs Ashely and Mallika who love me unconditionally and help me to realize my value as a person daily :) But of course since life can't be perfect and "you can't always get what you want" I am here complaining about not have finding that missing piece of me. That piece that will hopefully replace that emptiness that was caused by aw hell i'm just gonna use their real names, the emptiness caused by losing Meg Ray as a friend and Jake as a boyfriend.

Heres my problem though I'm starting to come off as desperate and thats not good. Not good when I'm trying to make new friends and potential boyfriends. I really don't try to intentionally be or act desperate around people. But- I'm not gonna lie I'm a performer and I crave attention and love and acceptance from people. ok ok so I know you don't have to be a performer to crave attention and love from others but I feel like as someone who loves to be the center of attention and loves the spotlight and applause and acceptance I feel now going into college in less than a month that popularity and a boyfriend will make me happy.

Of course I know thats the wrong answer and that you can never find happiness with other people until you find it within yourself. Well you know what I say to that? Fuck that shit! I'm a super self conscious person with low self esteem a very nasty habit of constantly putting myself down all the time and criticizing myself and others in the process. And you know what? I'm sorry world but that is just never gonna change, and I "Love myself" as much as I possibly can for having such shitty low self esteem that my thought process is why can't I just fall in love anyways. right now just the way I am. Because its certainly not gonna get any better...worse maybe...hopefully not but so ya why can't I just fall in love now?! What's wrong with me?!! I have nice outgoing personality and I'm not the ugliest person yet a constant lack of acceptance by peers and hot boys I have crushes on makes me just feel like shit man is love real? Real for me at least? like can and will it ever happen to me?

Well right now sorry but I have a pretty bleak outlook. Not on life necessarily but on making good (non partying yet non nerdy friends) at college and of course finding love a guy a good guy who starts off as a good friend and progresses to something more whose actually genuinely interested in me- not my roomates, not my shoes or borrowing my arctic monkeys cd but ME!

Is it bad I'm craving this much attention? Whats wrong with me? I feel like anyone reading this will go wow what an attention whore but thats not who I am or want to be I just want to be moderately popular with a moderately attractive boyfriend to be happy in college and life...? UGH it is bad I guess but like I said before I just don't see how my current level of low self esteem and happiness is ever gonna change besides how the heck do you go about finding happiness within and how do you effing know when your happy enough with yourself to love someone else?!!! God why does this have to be so hard and psychoanalytical? urghhhh

Anyways I feel fairly happy and content and want bf but apparently that makes me come of as desperate. So I don't know I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore.

wish me luck in college I'm so scared I'll screw up social-wise and loose friends before i've even met them and never get the guys I like to look at me. My biggest fear is my books and professors will become my best friends that or I'll be trying so hard to fit in and be popular that i'll come off as a drunk partying whore :( something in between would be nice.

But life is crazy and unpredictable sadly. So for now I'm just going to have to try my best to not be so desperate and empty feeling and complain about it out loud to people so much I guess, and hope that with college comes new people and things to fill the silly giant void I'm feeling in my heart. Sappy and corny I know but you know when somethings missing and your getting jealous of everyone around you in love which is wrong-I know I know but other than being jealous being sappy and believing in love and wishing someone might be out theres not so bad right? Probably a little overly optimistic yes but I guess its better than being too overly pessimistic and wallowing in a giant pool of self pity like I am right now. Which needs to stop I know which I want to stop. But if only I knew how to find that damn happiness inside on my own to make this self pity and emptiness go away!!!!!! But until then...emptiness still sucks. :(