:(

I hate it when you think people are mad at you but you don't know for sure I really just want to go to college right now. Where no one knows me, where I don't have to worry about severing ties where they aren't even made yet. Urghhh! College. New People. New friends. New love interests. Needs to happen NOW! I can't wait and stick around here with people hating me or even my best friends acting hot 'n cold around me one day their cool with me the next not texting/talking to me. URGH petty problems these are petty problems. But seriously my generation of teenagers relies so much on this crap! Its crazy theres got to be more to life than these hot n' cold relationships that or my mouth majorly needs to be duck taped shut I guess lol...anyways its just annoying and i'm fed up with it. I don't just want I NEED new people in my life now ASAP. Please pray for me I find friends in Iowa and that the ones mad at me now don't stay mad for long. :( thats all for now. Now i'm tired and going to read my book ("Going Bovine") until I fall asleep. night.

Emptiness sucks

So. Wow. A lot a lot has happened since I last posted on this lovely little blog 'o thoughts. (Hence the title Emptiness sucks)
Sorry but just to warn you yes this post is going to be all about my lost love (JP) and how I'm so effing jealous of KJVA's power to get men even 2 at once! Don't Worry JUST KIDDING!!! That would be mean if I delved? Dove? into the juicy details of those 2 situations and the first one-aka my break up I don't want to re-explain in full blown detail its bad enough I did it in a 6 page letter in my song notebook and wrote a frickin good deep song out of it too!

So instead I'm going to make this a more general ranting post about why love sucks and how it hurts and sucks feeling empty, lonely and being called desperate just because you want to find your own damn happiness!!!! URGH!

Now although I titled this "emptiness sucks", I just want it to be known that my entire life isn't totally empty of course.
I have my wonderful loving grandma judy and grandpa morley and two great bffs Ashely and Mallika who love me unconditionally and help me to realize my value as a person daily :) But of course since life can't be perfect and "you can't always get what you want" I am here complaining about not have finding that missing piece of me. That piece that will hopefully replace that emptiness that was caused by aw hell i'm just gonna use their real names, the emptiness caused by losing Meg Ray as a friend and Jake as a boyfriend.

Heres my problem though I'm starting to come off as desperate and thats not good. Not good when I'm trying to make new friends and potential boyfriends. I really don't try to intentionally be or act desperate around people. But- I'm not gonna lie I'm a performer and I crave attention and love and acceptance from people. ok ok so I know you don't have to be a performer to crave attention and love from others but I feel like as someone who loves to be the center of attention and loves the spotlight and applause and acceptance I feel now going into college in less than a month that popularity and a boyfriend will make me happy.

Of course I know thats the wrong answer and that you can never find happiness with other people until you find it within yourself. Well you know what I say to that? Fuck that shit! I'm a super self conscious person with low self esteem a very nasty habit of constantly putting myself down all the time and criticizing myself and others in the process. And you know what? I'm sorry world but that is just never gonna change, and I "Love myself" as much as I possibly can for having such shitty low self esteem that my thought process is why can't I just fall in love anyways. right now just the way I am. Because its certainly not gonna get any better...worse maybe...hopefully not but so ya why can't I just fall in love now?! What's wrong with me?!! I have nice outgoing personality and I'm not the ugliest person yet a constant lack of acceptance by peers and hot boys I have crushes on makes me just feel like shit man is love real? Real for me at least? like can and will it ever happen to me?

Well right now sorry but I have a pretty bleak outlook. Not on life necessarily but on making good (non partying yet non nerdy friends) at college and of course finding love a guy a good guy who starts off as a good friend and progresses to something more whose actually genuinely interested in me- not my roomates, not my shoes or borrowing my arctic monkeys cd but ME!

Is it bad I'm craving this much attention? Whats wrong with me? I feel like anyone reading this will go wow what an attention whore but thats not who I am or want to be I just want to be moderately popular with a moderately attractive boyfriend to be happy in college and life...? UGH it is bad I guess but like I said before I just don't see how my current level of low self esteem and happiness is ever gonna change besides how the heck do you go about finding happiness within and how do you effing know when your happy enough with yourself to love someone else?!!! God why does this have to be so hard and psychoanalytical? urghhhh

Anyways I feel fairly happy and content and want bf but apparently that makes me come of as desperate. So I don't know I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore.

wish me luck in college I'm so scared I'll screw up social-wise and loose friends before i've even met them and never get the guys I like to look at me. My biggest fear is my books and professors will become my best friends that or I'll be trying so hard to fit in and be popular that i'll come off as a drunk partying whore :( something in between would be nice.

But life is crazy and unpredictable sadly. So for now I'm just going to have to try my best to not be so desperate and empty feeling and complain about it out loud to people so much I guess, and hope that with college comes new people and things to fill the silly giant void I'm feeling in my heart. Sappy and corny I know but you know when somethings missing and your getting jealous of everyone around you in love which is wrong-I know I know but other than being jealous being sappy and believing in love and wishing someone might be out theres not so bad right? Probably a little overly optimistic yes but I guess its better than being too overly pessimistic and wallowing in a giant pool of self pity like I am right now. Which needs to stop I know which I want to stop. But if only I knew how to find that damn happiness inside on my own to make this self pity and emptiness go away!!!!!! But until then...emptiness still sucks. :(

Ketchup time!

hi again so sorry but it's "ketchup" kinda post...

Whats up in my life:

-MAR still hates me
-MJ mad at me
-AS not mad at me anymore
-JP gonna see Thursday and Friday night @ SUMMERFEST!!!!!!-if I can get a responsible adult to drive me and pick me up there, I sure hope so cuz seeing each other 2 days in a row even though he'd working would still be awesome and a big step up a big FIRST for us! lol :)
-New job= good
-VBS= good but stressful!

Life overall= average....wish I could fix things with MJ....things with MAR are sadly unfixable at this point I think but not with MJ....I don't know


Also just got an idea to road trip to strawberry fields in NYC with Maggie Schultz before we both go off to college expensive as hell tho....hmmm maybe Lollapolooza in August in Chicago? But thats really expensive and probably sold out too I don't know but I feel the urge to road trip with someone sensible whose never hated me! :)

And I'm going to bed now cuz no ones answering their phone or texts

or as Austin Powers always says: "and I'm spent" ;)

talk to you again soon! ;)

I'm someone's brother's gal ;) yay! :)

Allie Pinkalla (Jacob's sister to her friend Oliva on fb):

Allie: why are you friends with my brothers gal (THAT's ME!!!! I'M SOMEONES GAL :D) on fb? ur weird

Olivia: because I'm friends with everyone and their mother on facebook literately haha :)

Sorry I know that's not that exciting but still the fact that she was referencing her brother Jacobs girlfriend and thats ME!!!!! and the fact that I'm someones gal- specifically HIS GAL!!!!! just made me smile :) and laugh and made me happy to see that in writing on someones facebook wall lol :) its the little things that cheer me up! Literately! lol :D

*SUNG*: "I'm Forever Yours Faithfully"

"Faithfully" by: Journey <3

I'm still yours Jake even though we don't see each other that much and we tease each other a lot, and I can't wait for school to get out out finally and to graduate and come surprise you on your birthday by coming to visit you in Shorewood! ;)

No, no regardless of what Lauren and others....are telling me I think were in decent shape Jake-especially for living so far apart and both of us not having our licenses and you not liking to talk on the phone lol...anyways as Rachel sang to Finn in the season finale of glee as corny as this sounds "I am forever yours faithfully" no matter how much I may waver on my weakest days or lowest, angriest days, or no matter how much or how many people will try to persuade me, that breaking up with you is best....I don't care what they say cause I know that your a good guy at heart and your a good guy to me and a good guy for me in my life right now!!!!

So....heres to looking forward to spending the summer together and having lots of good memories! (and I really hope that I don't regret typing that last part about spending the summer with you Jake especially after what happened last summer with hickboy... :(

PLO

Peace!

LOVE!!!

Obey!

;)

GLEE Version of Lady Gaga's "POKER FACE"

LISTEN TO IT!

I'M OBSESSED WITH IT

I LOVE THIS SONG

I LOVE THE TWO PEOPLE SINGING IT

I WISH I WAS RACHEL BERRY IS WHAT IT BASICALLY BOILS DOWN TO LOL ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zq4o-FlKbo